metamorphosis

good evening.
i write this to those i love, those who live and those who don't. nine days ago i became an adult. though i'm now considered of age i know nothing of my future and i loathe anything from my past. i am a mirror, i reflect what people want to see, hear, what they love in a person with no real substance, and with no real depth. i play this act of deception with everyone in my life. no one knows me. my feelings and thoughts are irrational in their entirity. i have no idea what is wrong with me. my social analytic nature is consuming me to a point where people have become pawns and not beings. arrangements of situations, complications and seperations run rampant through my brain. the only thing i want others to feel is misery and no matter how deep within myself i search i never know why. the silent battle i've fought inside myself for what seems an enternity is known by none. i feel as though i'm an ego with a vessel; i feel no compassion; i feel no satisfaction; i feel no triumph. i feel as though i'm permanently falling without any way of ever stopping. i feel stunted and blocked by my own egocentric nature. sometimes i explode without realising and i punish people beyond what is needed and only to compensate for things i cannot control within myself. i feel constantly disconnected. i feel as though depending on situation i skip to different persona's and identities. i never tell people i feel this way because i've never known and never will know what it is like to be another person. also if i was one, if i'd feel exactly the same as i do now. or differently. which makes me question my own life. which is something i do almost ever-constantly. i don't feel human even slightly. i've felt lost since my childhood, out of place. i'm toxic to those around me, but without them i doubt i'd be alive. this post seems somewhat vague and self-centered. it is, and it is meant to be. do other people feel how i do? is there something severely wrong with me? and what do i do about how i feel. i think if i contain it any longer i will do something that will be strongly negative and will impact my entire life. how do i curb my thoughts from tendencies of pain. how do i see through despair? why am i constantly being told i'm loved when i think i'm a monster. why do i think i shouldn't exist?