Sunday, December 12, 2010
luck
after questioning my every thought and motive i sat down and had an amazing talk with someone today that's completely changed my view on life. set things in place, laid down things i need to think about. reminded me i'm an adult. next year instead of going to uni i'm going to take a gap year and work full time. doing that i'll be able to get all this party party and super social ideals out of my head. i'll begin uni level-headed and much more grounded than i ever could starting it this year. i'm excited by this. even more excited knowing i have two and a half months to find a full-time or almost full time job. i can pull off anything when i need to. that will be easy as. god damn i feel content. but i feel moody and gross considering i've written that last self-questioning post. though the post is still accurate of my thoughts and feelings. i see more of a purpose to my life. a path i need to take and a role i have to fulfill. i'm excited.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
metamorphosis
good evening.
i write this to those i love, those who live and those who don't. nine days ago i became an adult. though i'm now considered of age i know nothing of my future and i loathe anything from my past. i am a mirror, i reflect what people want to see, hear, what they love in a person with no real substance, and with no real depth. i play this act of deception with everyone in my life. no one knows me. my feelings and thoughts are irrational in their entirity. i have no idea what is wrong with me. my social analytic nature is consuming me to a point where people have become pawns and not beings. arrangements of situations, complications and seperations run rampant through my brain. the only thing i want others to feel is misery and no matter how deep within myself i search i never know why. the silent battle i've fought inside myself for what seems an enternity is known by none. i feel as though i'm an ego with a vessel; i feel no compassion; i feel no satisfaction; i feel no triumph. i feel as though i'm permanently falling without any way of ever stopping. i feel stunted and blocked by my own egocentric nature. sometimes i explode without realising and i punish people beyond what is needed and only to compensate for things i cannot control within myself. i feel constantly disconnected. i feel as though depending on situation i skip to different persona's and identities. i never tell people i feel this way because i've never known and never will know what it is like to be another person. also if i was one, if i'd feel exactly the same as i do now. or differently. which makes me question my own life. which is something i do almost ever-constantly. i don't feel human even slightly. i've felt lost since my childhood, out of place. i'm toxic to those around me, but without them i doubt i'd be alive. this post seems somewhat vague and self-centered. it is, and it is meant to be. do other people feel how i do? is there something severely wrong with me? and what do i do about how i feel. i think if i contain it any longer i will do something that will be strongly negative and will impact my entire life. how do i curb my thoughts from tendencies of pain. how do i see through despair? why am i constantly being told i'm loved when i think i'm a monster. why do i think i shouldn't exist?
i write this to those i love, those who live and those who don't. nine days ago i became an adult. though i'm now considered of age i know nothing of my future and i loathe anything from my past. i am a mirror, i reflect what people want to see, hear, what they love in a person with no real substance, and with no real depth. i play this act of deception with everyone in my life. no one knows me. my feelings and thoughts are irrational in their entirity. i have no idea what is wrong with me. my social analytic nature is consuming me to a point where people have become pawns and not beings. arrangements of situations, complications and seperations run rampant through my brain. the only thing i want others to feel is misery and no matter how deep within myself i search i never know why. the silent battle i've fought inside myself for what seems an enternity is known by none. i feel as though i'm an ego with a vessel; i feel no compassion; i feel no satisfaction; i feel no triumph. i feel as though i'm permanently falling without any way of ever stopping. i feel stunted and blocked by my own egocentric nature. sometimes i explode without realising and i punish people beyond what is needed and only to compensate for things i cannot control within myself. i feel constantly disconnected. i feel as though depending on situation i skip to different persona's and identities. i never tell people i feel this way because i've never known and never will know what it is like to be another person. also if i was one, if i'd feel exactly the same as i do now. or differently. which makes me question my own life. which is something i do almost ever-constantly. i don't feel human even slightly. i've felt lost since my childhood, out of place. i'm toxic to those around me, but without them i doubt i'd be alive. this post seems somewhat vague and self-centered. it is, and it is meant to be. do other people feel how i do? is there something severely wrong with me? and what do i do about how i feel. i think if i contain it any longer i will do something that will be strongly negative and will impact my entire life. how do i curb my thoughts from tendencies of pain. how do i see through despair? why am i constantly being told i'm loved when i think i'm a monster. why do i think i shouldn't exist?
Thursday, November 11, 2010
war
brain or life
sadly we cannot have the two without a level of degredation capable of consuming our entire spirit.
are you ready for dystopia
you are now but a form of frustration, with every growing day i think about how much you pain me. how pointless your life is. how pointless you are. how pathetic your existence is. you don't know people's capabilities or alterior motives. you know nothing besides your own addiction, that i, in turn, will use to destroy you.
you've crossed an unforgiving line with an even more unforgiving person.
unless you have a kaleidoscope that portrays my childhood in its entirity, you have no idea what is coming to you.
enjoy your last days, in your head.
you're about to receive a large slice of reality.
you've crossed an unforgiving line with an even more unforgiving person.
unless you have a kaleidoscope that portrays my childhood in its entirity, you have no idea what is coming to you.
enjoy your last days, in your head.
you're about to receive a large slice of reality.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
don't bite the hand that feeds you
remember you're handling a live grenade.
i don't do trust, i don't do long term and i especially don't do sharing.
if you had half a brain, you'd be careful with every word you say to me.
i don't do trust, i don't do long term and i especially don't do sharing.
if you had half a brain, you'd be careful with every word you say to me.
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